Crosses

Aug. 26th, 2004 10:43 pm
zou2: (Default)
[personal profile] zou2
CSI fic
Angsty, Character study
No warnings because it gives away too much.  Just be aware that it's like life, full of unpleasantless.  If you can't deal with life, don't read this.

Assuming TPTB had not gotten their act together and that season 5 had to start without Nick and Sara, here is one possible scenario I came up with to explain thieir absence.


Crosses by zou

You stand at the window and stare, unblinking, into the unforgiving noonday sun.  We have not often been together at this time of day. You’re still pale, wane, and the harsh light makes you appear corpse-like.  Your eyes tear up, as if still unaccustomed to full sunlight after so many years working nights and sleeping behind blackout curtains during the day. 

You hold yourself erect, unyielding, a physical manifestation of your mindset.  You have yet to admit any fault, any culpability.  If you make eye contact at all, your eyes are hard and accusing.  No tears, no shame, no guilt.  You only stare and condemn us for our sins, some imagined, some not.

You know I am here, behind you, watching you, but you refuse to turn and acknowledge me.  This dance is not new.  You established the choreography that first night.  The steps have become more intricate, but the basics have not changed.  It is a pas de deux of denial.

You have refused to speak since that night.  Not to the police, not to your attorney, not to your counselors and not to me.  You have always had difficulty seeing any position other than your own.  Have always fought against being wrong, as if somehow it diminished you.  This is the ultimate wrong and you will not, cannot, admit it.

You blame me, and in some ways you are justified in that.  You should not have been driving that night.  You had a problem, one that you we allowed to ignore.  You were allowed to explain away one DUI.  You were allowed to make excuses.  You were allowed to continue down the path that led to this place.  You were allowed to kill a friend.

After the accident, you were in shock, in a daze.  You had no recollection of running the red light.  You didn’t remember Nick had been with you.  Then you raged.  You accused me of lying, or saying vile hurtful things.  You demanded I apologize.  You accused the lab technicians of tampering with your blood test results because of some imagined vendetta against you.  You stopped making sense.  You stopped listening.  You stopped talking.

You did not see the devastation you caused.  The two families you destroyed – one of blood, and one of choice.  You did not watch the casket as it was loaded onto the plane - like so much baggage - for a friend’s final trip home.  You did not stand under the blazing Texas sun and say goodbye.  You did not read a beloved name etched in granite. You were not there for the memorial service. You refused to take the copy of the program that I brought you.  You stared at it for a brief moment, and then turned away.  You were lost to us, a guest of mental health services.  No bail was set. You weren’t competent to stand trial, perhaps you never will be.

You’re broken.

Nick is dead. 

Two friends gone because I did not speak, I did not take a stand.  I could have saved you both.

You are my crosses to bear. 

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